Deadpool and the Atrocious X-Men Timeline
by KaydenLance
Summary: Ever wonder about all those pesky continuity issues and that headache inducing timeline of the X-Men movies? Well, Deadpool never did. He could care less. But in spite of that, he finds himself stuck in an adventure where a search for all those unanswered questions can be found and finally maybe make sense to all those X-Men nerds across the globe.
1. Chapter 1

**DEADPOOL and the Atrocious X-MEN Timeline**

 **PROLOGUE**

 _"It's a dark and stormy night in a not so shabby apartment. The place is filthy because the blind lady who owns the place is horrible at cleaning up her shit and the shit that belongs to her awesome roommate who on occasion does important things._

 _The roommate has super abilities and can do some super cool shit and has a super hot girlfriend, who currently is at work showing her tits to the meat spankers who haven't the balls to approach a woman on the street and say, "Hey, how bout a drink and then afterwards let's put some balls in holes."_

 _This lone roommate, currently sits alone on the couch staring at the TV screen while the blind lady is probably out wandering the rainy streets, probably lost because you know...she's blind and stuff. Can't see shit._

 _Sitting in front of the the TV is a collection of X-MEN blu ray movies. The roommate is burning time away by watching these collection of movies, impatiently waiting until the greatest movie of the decade hits theaters on May 18, 2018. A movie about the greatest man in the world. A movie called DEADPOOL 2._

"Hello, fanfiction readers," the roommate addresses the douches who have no life and spends there time reading stories written by other douches who also have no life. "Deadpool here. Welcome to my very own fanfiction story written by a loser with a lazy eye and entirely too much time on his hand."

Deadpool, clothed in his red suit and wearing his mask, paused the TV screen. He was currently watching X-MEN: THE LAST STAND and the scene on the screen was the prologue where a _walking_ Professor Xavier and once friend, Erik Lehnsherr were approaching a young Jean Grey's childhood home.

"So, if you're wandering what this story that I'm currently stuck in is about, then just look at the title to the story. It's about the goody two shoe heroes known as the X-Men and their horrible timeline and butt clenching continuity issues.

"The super dork who dreamed up this super fanfiction is one of the many people out there who wish to understand the X-MEN franchise's many confusing inconsistencies and try to find a way to make it make sense. Somehow I got snagged into this headache inducing tale of just how exactly all those continuity issues can be explained. Yay."

Deadpool got up off the couch and unsheathed one of his dual swords, "Allow me to escape the narrative for a moment and give my solution to this whole mess."

He lifted his sword above the X-MEN blu ray collection and started to bring it down on top of them but then he froze at the last moment and his large animated white eyes widened.

"Whoa. I almost did something very stupid. My first great movie is actually part of this franchise. Son of a bitch!"

He lowered the sword with one hand while using his other to dig the DEADPOOL blu ray out of the stack and placed it safely next to his unicorn doll.

"There," he said with a satisfied nod. He grabbed the sword with both hands and commenced to chopping the remaining nine X-Men blu ray's into pieces.

He admired his handy work and then sheathed his sword, "Okay, so now the continuity issues have been fixed and now the only movie that actually matters is left standing."

 **THE END**

Deadpool silently stood standing in place for several moments. He sighed audibly, "So clearly that isn't how this tale will end. I deduced this fact because words are continuing past the **THE END** that perfectly wrapped this story up.

"The author of this tale absolutely loves the X-MEN movies, even the abysmal X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE that completely ruined my first appearance on the silver screen. Yeah folks, that's who you're dealing with right now so read on at your own expense.

"Further icing on the cake to this tantalizing tale is that I am being contained by fanfiction rules and can't be my usual raunchy ever loving fun self. This story is rated T for Teen which is the equivalent of PG-13 in the movie world. That means I'm only allowed to say like three _fucks_ in the whole story. Shit, there went one right there. Now I only have like two more I can use. Better conserve those for the right moments."

Deadpool sat back on the couch and crossed his legs in a business like fashion. "So, avid fanfiction readers, are you wondering where this story goes next? Well, me too, because honestly I haven't a clue where we're going or what's going to happen next. I suppose we can find out together in Chapter One.

"Oh, and if you were wondering, I was the one setting up the narrative in italicized words at the beginning of this if you didn't know this already."

A microwave beeped in the background. Deadpool shot up off the couch, "My chimichanga is done. Click the _next_ button if you want to continue this pointless tale while I fuel up on the greatest food in the world."


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER ONE**

Deadpool stood in front of the door to Xavier's School for gifted youngsters. He looked around at his surroundings. Kids were running around the front yard playing. One of the teachers was trying to coral them in. She was in her thirties and had a pronounced streak of white in her brunette hair.

Deadpool waved at her, "Hey, Rogue."

She looked at him curiously, "Do we know each other?"

"Do you know Carol Danvers?"

Rogue shook her head, "Never heard of her."

Deadpool sighed, "That's too bad. No flying and super strength for you, young lady. By the way, how'd you get your human contact repulse powers back after taking the mutant cure way back when on Alcatraz island?"

Before she could respond, Deadpool felt a tap on his shoulder, "Hey, bub. Who the hell are you?"

Deadpool spun around and gasped. Standing there was a six foot two inch man wearing blue jeans and a white t-shirt. He had a thick cigar clasped between his teeth.

"As I live and breath, The Wolverine! Come here you big lug, I thought you retired from this gig!" Deadpool wrapped his arms around him and gave him a tight hug.

Wolverine pushed him back, "I don't know you, bub and if you knew me you'd know I'm not big on hugging."

"Just as charismatic as ever. You don't know this because I'm wearing a mask, but underneath it... I'm blushing right now."

"Right, well bub, I think you have the wrong address. The Looney bin is a few miles up the road."

"Logan," Rogue called over. "Who is this guy?"

"Some nutcase who apparently thinks it's Halloween."

Deadpool looked from Rogue to Wolverine. "Right, where are my manners. The names Deadpool. Also known as Wade Wilson."

Wolverine took a drag from his cigar, "Not likely. I knew a Wade Wilson. Talked a lot till his mouth got sowed shut and I had to chop his head off."

Deadpool put his finger in Wolverine's face, "Hey, Freddy Krueger, we don't talk about that. That shit's been retconned!"

Wolverine stared him down and quietly said, "Might wanna move that finger out of my face before you lose it."

Rogue had snuck up behind Deadpool and snatched his mask off to reveal the hideously scarred face underneath. She gasped and one of the kids hanging around started to cry.

"Jesus," Wolverine grimaced. "And you say I'm Freddy Krueger. Rogue give him the damn mask back."

Deadpool snatched the mask and put it back on, "Not cool, death touch girl!"

"Watch your mouth or I'll sow it shut for ya," Wolverine warned.

Deadpool unsheathed both of his katana swords in one smooth motion, "Give it a try, Adamantium for brains!"

Wolverine threw his cigar to the dirt and unsheathed his Adamantium claws, "Make a move, bub."

"Deadpool!"

Both Deadpool and Wolverine glanced toward the door where the towering Colossus stood.

"You know this punk," Wolverine asked.

Colossus stepped between the two men, "Sheath your blades. Deadpool is a friend...of sorts."

Wolverine sheathed his claws, "Funny company you keep these days, Colossus."

Deadpool put his swords away and shot Wolverine a bird, "Spoiler alert, you die with a stump through your guts, dick claws."

Wolverine shook his head, "I don't have time for this shit." With that he walked away and Rogue followed after him.

Colossus motioned for Deadpool to come inside, "Come in, Wade. Have you reconsidered and decided to try your hand at being a hero."

Deadpool stopped in his tracks and stared at Colossus for a moment. He then proceeded to burst out laughing. He laughed for a solid minute until he was on his knees and could hardly breath.

After he regained his composure, he stood back up and feigned wiping tears from his white mask eyes, "No, not at all. Not even a little bit. I like killing people too much."

Colossus looked annoyed. "Then why are you here? Need help with some other kind of mess you got yourself into."

Deadpool shook his head, "Nope, Not my fault this time. I'm here because of a nerd with a tablet who had an idea for a fanfiction. Go figure, right."

"What are you talking about?"

"Doesn't matter." Deadpool said. "I need to see the bald guy. The one that looks like Jean-Luc Picard."

Colossus stared at him blankly and then sighed, "Wait here a moment."

"Quick question," Deadpool said as if it were an afterthought. "Why do you have a Russian accent?"

Colossus stared at him askance. "Because I am Russian."

"Yeah but you had an American accent when you were younger. How did the change happen?"

"I never had an American accent!" Colossus said with an offended expression and slightly angry tone.

Deadpool held his arms up, "My mistake. Clearly that was a Russian accent in X2 and THE LAST STAND. Just everyone in the audience around the world didn't hear it correctly."

Colossus shook his head, "You're acting weird, Wade. Weirder than usual."

"You should see me with my unicorn," Deadpool snickered.

Exasperated, Colossus walked away.

Deadpool stood in the middle of the lobby, feeling awkward. He started whistling to himself, looking as if he'd rather be any place but there.

A young kid approached him and tapped him on the side. Deadpool looked down at him, "What the hell do you want?"

"You look like a comic book character," the kid said. "Are you going to Comic-Con?"

Deadpool knelt down to the kid's level, "No, kid. I'm the boogeyman and I'm here to collect little kids souls."

The kid gulped and then said bravely. "No, you're not. Your costume is to colorful for that."

"Well then check this out, kid." Deadpool lifted his mask up and showed the kid his face. "Boo!"

The kid gasped and ran away screaming.

Deadpool stood back up, chuckling. "Oh, kids. How I hate them."

"I'd appreciate it if you'd refrain from trying to frighten my students, Mr. Wilson."

Deadpool turned to see Professor Xavier approach in his wheelchair. "So you know who I am. Did the Russkie tell you all about my colorful background or did he just give you the cliff notes?"

Xavier smiled. "Mr. Rasputin got preoccupied with a tantrum our dear Negasonic Teenage Warhead was having before he could locate me and make the proper introductions."

"Ah," Deadpool said. "Teenage hormones. She does have quite the temper. Still though, coolest superhero name ever." Deadpool studied the professor for a moment. "So, I guess you probably noticed my presence by using your psychic bullshit. Hope you didn't rattle around in my brain too long. There are lots of impure thoughts in there."

Xavier shook his head, "I try not to enter a person's thoughts without their permission. The truth is, I sensed Logan was on edge and that he strongly desired to dismember someone with his claws. I felt it was prudent to investigate."

Deadpool chuckled, "Yeah, I do have a way with people. So, you know who I am then?"

Xavier nodded, "I've known of your exploits for quite some time now, Wade and..."

Deadpool held up a hand, "Please don't go on about how I'd make a fine addition to your little band of merry men shtick. Not interested."

"Quite the contrary," Xavier corrected. "That's the last thing I want. You're too cruel and unpredictable. You have the ability to be a great hero and at times perform heroic deeds but you'd never work well as a member of the X-Men. It'd be a nightmare trying to keep you in check. Wolverine is enough of a challenge as it is."

Deadpool stared at Xavier in silence for a moment and then nodded. "Fair enough. Gotta admit that hurt a little but I'm a big boy. Gotta take the criticism at face value and learn to grow as a better man." He then proceed to stick his middle finger in Xavier's face.

Xavier stared at the finger a moment and sighed. "Thank you for proving my point."

Deadpool kept his finger up. "Here's your point, baldy. Now sit on it and cough."

Xavier pretended he didn't hear Deadpool's last statement and asked, "So what brings you over, Mr. Wilson?"

"Just read my mind and tell me what I want to know. You have my permission."

Xavier smirked, "Your mind isn't one I'd necessarily want to enter if at all possible."

"Okay, to the point then. I have questions that need answering so that I can move on from this farce and get to my big opening night that's gonna break box office records."

"Sometimes when you ramble you really don't make much sense. Did you know that?" Xavier asked.

"Hold that thought, Q ball." Deadpool said as he turned away from Xavier and addressed the intrigued readers of this fanfiction. "The guys we encounter in this little tale clearly don't know the true plot because that would require them to be able to break the fourth wall and become aware of you hapless readers. That is an ability available solely to me. Read on."

Deadpool turned back to Professor Xavier, "Let's start with this question. Years ago when Wolverine first came to you here, you told him that you met Magneto when you were seventeen years old. That is total horseshit since according to FIRST CLASS you and he were clearly grown men in your twenties... possibly even thirty."

Xavier studied him with a hard expression. "How would you know about that conversation."

"That's off topic." Deadpool said. "You couldn't fathom the answer even if I told you. Answer the question."

Xavier thought a moment and then said, "What I told Logan all those years ago was true...from a certain point of view."

"Really?" Deadpool sounded appalled. "You answer my question with a quote that Obi-Wan Kenobi told Luke in RETURN OF THE JEDI?"

Xavier chuckled, "Well to be honest I actually have no idea what you're talking about and I don't remember ever telling Logan that in the first place."

Deadpool slapped his forehead with his palm, "Of course you don't. Fucking confusing timeline. Shit! That's two F-words. Only have one left that I can use. Bad Deadpool!"

"Any other questions, Mr. Wilson?" Xavier asked.

Deadpool started to walk away, "No, it'd be a waste of time anyway. You can go back to whatever you were doing. Go comb your hair or something and wait for Alzheimer's to creep up on you. Your deteriorating brain can be a real bitch."

Deadpool walked out the front door and sat down on the top step. He vented out loud, "Satisfied yet, dorky fanfiction writer? This ain't going nowhere. A complete waste of time."

"Cheer up. It can't be all that bad."

Deadpool looked up to see Kitty Pryde staring down at him with a friendly smile. She sat down beside him. "What's the problem. Maybe I can help."

"Oh, Christ." Deadpool exclaimed. "That's your grand plan! She started this timeline mess in the first place. Phasing bitch!"

"Excuse me," Kitty Pryde frowned.

"No, I'm not talking to you." Deadpool said.

"Well seeing how I phase through stuff I tend to think it was aimed at me, you red suited dick."

Deadpool nodded, "Yeah, you're the phasing bitch I was referring to but I was talking to someone else."

Kitty looked around, "Who were you talking to?"

"Doesn't matter," Deadpool said. "You offered your help and you're the help I need."

Kitty stood up and started walking away, "Sorry, creep. I'm not in the habit of helping assholes."

Deadpool stood up and stopped her, "Look, I'm sorry. I'm having a bad day and shouldn't have taken it out on you. Please help me and then you can go back to playing _hide the popsicle_ _stick_ with Iceman."

Kitty blushed at that comment. "Who are you?"

"Call me Deadpool."

"Okay, Deadpool," Kitty began, "What do you need help with?"

"I need you to send me back in time through the various years so I can try to make sense of certain continuity issues." Deadpool bluntly said.

Kitty stared at him a moment and then burst out laughing. "Sure thing, Deadpool. Just let me go grab my DeLorean real quick and lend it to you."

"Well that's just fantastic!" Deadpool blurted out. "Haven't discovered that power of yours yet, I guess?"

"That's not a power I have," Kitty explained. "I phase through things. That's my power."

Deadpool said, "You'd learn real quick if you had some Sentinels chasing your ass."

"What's a Sentinel?"

"Doesn't matter now," Deadpool said. "Just listen to me. You have the power. Trust me. You just haven't discovered it. I need you to discover it."

"How?"

"By practicing. You can use me as your guinea pig. Try focusing your phasing power on my brain."

Kitty shook her head, "That kind of practicing could shatter your mind."

"I have a healing factor like Wolverine," Deadpool explained. "My mind will heal as quickly as it breaks."

Kitty chuckled, "I think your mind is already broke."

"Will you do it or not?" Deadpool asked.

Kitty hesitated for a long moment before nodding. "Why not. I don't think your brain could be much more damaged than it already is."

"Cute." Deadpool said blandly.

"Where do you want to do this at?" Kitty asked.

"Hand me your phone." Deadpool said. She did so and he typed directions into it. "These are directions to an abandoned warehouse in town. Meet me there at eight O'clock tonight."

Kitty took her phone back, "Okay. It's your funeral."

Deadpool muttered to himself as he walked away, "Oh, if I could be so lucky."


End file.
